Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules
Zombie fighting quote of the day: “Fighting zombies is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
This is the fourth article in my long series of articles aiming to increase public preparedness for an eventual zombie outbreak and the ensuing pandemonium that might follow.
If zombies are coming for you after the the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and you find yourself fighting for survival, you’ll need a list of rules to live by. Rules of Engagement (ROE) can increase your chances of surviving. Rules can be simple, like never use the bathroom upstream from your water source. Rules can be complex, like this gun is for people, this gun is for food, and this gun is for zombies.
In this article I’ll share with you my list of basic Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules. I encourage you to make up your own rules. Survival rules really should be individualized and personalized. Survival is always a factor of what you know and what you can do and what is available in your environment. So what works for me may or may not work for you.
Since the Zombieland movie included a list of zombie outbreak survival rules, let me list those rules first just as a reference point. I listed these rules as I watched the movie this weekend. It’s a great great zombie movie comedy. The rules in the movie were a running gag and the movie apparently did not show all the rules, only some of them as they applied to the scenes.
#1 – Cardio ~ Get in shape so you can outrun and fight zombies
#2 – Double Tap ~ Shoot zombies twice to be sure they are dead
#3 – Beware of Bathrooms ~ Zombies like to wait for you to pull your pants down before attacking you
#4 – Seatbelts ~ You can die in a car crash just as easily as in a zombie fight
#7 – Travel Light ~ Carrying too much stuff will slow you down and get you killed
#8 – Get a Kick Ass Partner ~ Team up with someone who can increase your chances of survival
#17 – Don’t be a Hero ~ Later, the main character changes this to “Be a Hero”
#18 – Limber Up ~ Zombie fighting is hard work and you don’t want to pull a muscle, tear something, or catch a cramp
#22 – Know your way out ~ Before you go in a building, leave yourself a way to get out of it fast if something unepected happens
#31 – Check the Backseat ~ Zombies like to hide in backseats of cars
#32 – Enjoy the Little Things ~ Little things like toilette paper, cigarettes, whiskey, SUVs with full tanks of gas, rapid fire guns, and Twinkies
There may have been a few more rules in the movie that I’m missing here in my list, but you get the gist of the comedic nature of these rules. I think these rules are funny, but you won’t survive long if these are your rules. You can see below how my rules are no joke and they’re actually somewhat complex. When it comes to surviving a zombie outbreak, I’m all business.
Here are my zombie outbreak survival rules:
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #1: I must survive. Nobody’s survival is more important than my own.
1a: Help other survivors only if my survival is assured and their survival will increase my chances of surviving.
1b: Avoid people and situations that decrease my chances of survival.
1c: Don’t play the hero if you can help it.
1d: Don’t take a zombie bite for anyone.
1e: If someone asks you to take a zombie bite for them, shoot them and feed them to the zombies.
1f: Ignore this rule only if your death ensures the survival of mankind. In some rare cases you will need to save someone who is important enough to warrant risking your life because if you save them they will somehow help you survive longer than if you did not save them. You have to be calculating in this regard.
Explanation: Dying because you went back to help someone who fell behind is a waste. Dying because you held off the zombies so everyone else could escape is not generally recommended. But once you are infected, then dying for the team becomes your best action.
1g: Once you are infected, attack zombies like there is no tomorrow, because for you there really won’t be a tomorrow.
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2: Shoot first and ask questions later. In a kill-or-be-killed zombie pandemonium, when in doubt, shoot it out. You are the law and he who shoots first usually gets to keep making the law. This rule applies to zombies, bad guys, stupid people, and assholes and anyone who is mistaken for any one of these. The rule also says we don’t tolerate zombies, bad guys, stupid people, assholes, or anyone who does tolerate them.
2a: Always shoot your cheap stuff first. Conserve your ammo. Be careful; gunfire will attract zombies to you, so if you can, try to use something quiet like a bow, or sword or a booby-trap.
2b: If the zombie is not a threat, then you may not need to kill it.
2c: Treat stupid people like zombies and shoot them before they shoot you or do something stupid to get you killed. Clarification: If the person is not smarter than a zombie, then shoot them quickly and end it or even better, use them for zombie bait. Strap explosives to them and when zombies chase and catch them and start eating them, you can blow them all up together.
2d: A zombie pandemonium will bring out the worst in people. You will see people doing the most despicable things, showing their true natures. When you run into a stupid person, bad guy, or asshole, do not give them time to explain. End the issue with swift and violent justice.
2e: You need a priority list—a priority of fire. Ask yourself what you need to shoot first. In an environment where there are multiple targets, what should you shoot first? Think strategy. You only have limited supplies and you have to think for the long term. For the most part you need to kill the zombie closest to you and repeat until all dangerous zombies are gone. Any zombie acting odd is also a high priority kill (re: zombie hive combat strategies).
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3: Build a survival coalition, league, union, partnership, or alliance. Attach yourself only to good people who know how to kick zombie ass or who are fast learners in how to kick zombie ass. Example: A cop is a good friend to have…well some of them anyway. A pot-head grocery bagging Occupy Wall Street reject is a bad friend to have; see Rule #2, 2c and shoot that sucker now before he gets you killed!
3a: Avoid bad-asses who are bad people. You need to watch out for bad people. Bad people will make survival not worth it. Plenty of criminals are bad-asses and may actually be good at survival, but these are the worst people to let survive. Treat them like zombies. There is something in the soul that snaps that allows a person to deliberately do hurtful things to another innocent person. If you see traces of this sick, broken soul in anyone around you, go ahead and apply Rule #2, 2c.
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #4: Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies. These are the survival priorities in this precise order. Once you go into survival mode, you should work on these priorities. After this, you can seek: 6. Eradication of zombies – 7. Restoration of order – and 8. Rebuilding society.
4a: The purpose of shelter is so you will have a safe place to stash all of your survival stuff. You will need to have several shelters in various locations so you will have a place to run away to. A great shelter will have all the priorities and protect you from zombies and assholes too.
4b: Some shelters are better than others. Think of a place that is good for keeping people out. A church or hospital is a bad place. A jail or prison or gun store is a good place; a 2-story gun store is better; a 3-story gun store is even better. High is better than low because most zombies are not good climbers. In fact, if you use a rope to climb up and access your shelter, that’s a pretty good shelter. As you walk around your city make a note of great shelters; easy to lock and keep people out, hardly any low level windows for zombies and assholes to break in: libraries, movie theaters, discos, gentlemen’s clubs…think outside the box.
4c: If you run out of weapons and ammo, or bad-ass friends with weapons and ammo, your chances of surviving are significantly decreased. Without weapons and ammo and bad-ass friends, it’s only a matter of time before you will be forced to give up your shit (shelter, food, water, women, children, your life). Dealing with assholes is the greatest danger and threat to you and your family in any zombie outbreak pandemic situation. Zombies can’t shoot you in the back and take your shit, so you need to plan for dealing with more than just zombies.
4d: You can survive weeks without food. Humans are omnivores; we can eat almost anything. You can only survive days without water and your chances of survival are significantly decreased further if all you have is contaminated water. Think about relocating to a good water source, preferably upstream from any contamination sources such as cities, towns, farms, and factories. If you make shelter in a place where there’s limited water, then you can expect to spend a lot of your time hunting and scavenging for water.
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #5: Don’t go out at night. Why? Zombies are out day and night and it doesn’t matter to them. It matters that you can see much better in the daylight than at night—fewer scary surprises that way. Some Texas A&M studies concluded that zombies do not see better at night, but some advanced level zombies do see better at night.
5a: Zombies are attracted to light. So set a fire that attracts them while you go the other way to look for food. Fires are better than just plain lights, because the zombies will often walk right into the fire and burn themselves up. Be sure to have this kind of fire away from buildings because the last thing you need is a bunch of zombies walking around on fire setting fire to the city.
5b: When you make fires for heating and cooking and sanitizing, do it in a way that zombies cannot see it. Basic level zombies are attracted to light, so you can use fire to lure and trap zombies. If you need the fire yourself, use a pit or a furnace or a basement and do it during the daylight if you can so the zombies won’t see it.
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #6: Dress for success.
6a: Protect your entire body. Use thicker, bite-proof clothing. Use knee and elbow pads. Wear gloves.
6b: If you are going to be running from zombies, then you need to wear shoes you can run in. Combat boots are not always the best thing to wear.
6c: If you are going to be fighting zombies up close, then protect your face from contaminated blood and body fragment splatters.
6d: If you plan on facing zombies, then you have to dress differently than if you plan to only face non-zombie assholes. You don’t need a bullet proof vest to fight zombies.
6e: Practice running and fighting in the gear you have. Find out where you’ll get chaffed. Find out what will get snagged. Find out what works well and what doesn’t. Find out how wearing all your gear will affect your shooting and sword swinging. Find out if your vision is obstructed in any way.
Find out what you can wear that has the right balance of fit, weight, durability, quietness, and protection based on the temperature outside. Leather is great, but you won’t get too far fighting in leather in Houston, Texas in the summer. You better think about it. I prefer the mesh motorcycle outfits. Motorcycle racing outfits are affordable and are designed to let air flow through to keep you cool while protecting you in a motorcycle crash. Plus these outfits look pretty cool too. You can even find motorcycle gear in camouflage patterns. If you are going to fight zombies, looking good counts in my book. I also like ¾ motorcycle helmets with a flip up and down face shield. Really, it doesn’t get much better than this for surviving a zombie outbreak. Just be sure to practice working in what you will wear. So if you see somebody out trying to fight zombies in flip-flops and a skimpy bikini top, you’re either watching a zombie movie or you can go ahead and apply Rule #2, 2c for dealing with stupid people.
Icon Motorcycle Clothing: http://www.rideicon.com/
Joe Rocket Motorcycle Clothing: http://www.joerocket.com/
Full camouflaged motorcycle outfits:
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #7: Get out of town.
A town or city will have a higher population density than a rural area. A higher population density means a higher zombie density. Let’s say the city has 100,000 survivors in it. Now imagine there’s about another 50,000 zombies out and about. This is why you need to get out of town.
7a: Stay near a water supply. Find a river or stream and use it as a water source. No water, no survival. A river can also be a good way to get back into the city without the zombies seeing you. You can use the river to get places without having to walk. You can eat things that either live in the river or come to the river to drink. Plus zombies can’t swim.
7b: A higher population density means a higher zombie density and it also means a higher asshole density.
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #8: You must protect your government. When the world ends up in the crapper, eventually someone will attempt to restore order. You need to watch out for these authority figures and side with those who are acting with purity of purpose and heart. In any apocalyptic event, you will have a wide assortment of kooks, bad guys, and assholes who make a play to take control. If you find any egomaniacs or tyrants who are crazed with power or uncontrolled delusions of grandeur and think they are going to be the next Joe Stalin or the next Jim Jones, do the world a favor and apply Rule #2, 2c and repeat as necessary. Remember; zombies won’t screw you over and take your shit, you have much more a chance of meeting your maker at the hands of evil people than in the hands of a zombie.
8a: Protect the good governments and fight against the evil ones. Defend the heroes and reject the zeroes.
8b: If you don’t like the governments around you, then form your own.
These are my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules. Did I miss anything? What do you think? What would you add or subtract from this list. Please share with me. I’m open to new ideas and different ways of surviving so if you have some ideas throw them on the table. If you have any questions, just ask me and I will clarify.
In my next article I’ll share a few more zombie outbreak survival ideas. Please read my other articles and share them with your friends and Like them on the Facebook that the young people are into these days. Thanks for reading.
For homework, take a look at the Army’s Survival Manual. In our next zombie outbreak survival and preparedness class be ready to discuss what you’ve read.
Remember: “Surviving a zombie outbreak is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”