Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Zombie Apocalypse Survival Test
The Answers to Questions 11 – 20
In my previous articles, you will find Parts 1 and 2 of my definitive test. Use these articles (and the next few) to check your zombie outbreak survival learning curve. In this article, I will continue discussing the correct answers, leaving you with plenty of food for thought. I’ll cover the answers to questions 11 – 20.
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11. You come across a stash of weapons and you cannot take them all. Which of these weapons and their ammo will you take with you as your main priority?
a) The shotguns.
b) The 9mm pistols.
c) The chainsaws.
d) The M240 Golf.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Always collect all the 9mm pistols and ammo you can get your hands on. The 9mm is the base of the survival arsenal: lightweight, big enough bullet, plenty of options in pistols manufactured in the US, low cost, and easy to find, replace, and shoot. C is the worst choice.
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12. A zombie just bit you and you are pretty sure you are not immune. What should you do?
a) Hide in a closet with a bottle of whiskey, waiting for the Z-virus to kill you.
b) Hide your condition from the people around you because they will discriminate against the infected.
c) Chop off the part of your body that was bitten.
d) Go out in a blaze of glory, taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find before you turn.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: I’m a true fan of the bottle of whiskey as a solution to most problems in a zombie apocalypse, so long as you have enough whiskey. But going ape-shit and taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find is a great and honorable way to offer your last service to this world. Hell, do it while totally hammered on the whiskey…that’s even better! C is the worst choice.
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13. It’s easier to survive a zombie apocalypse if you are:
a) A total bad-ass.
b) Friends with total bad-asses.
c) Not stupid.
d) All the above.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid. If you are not a total bad-ass yourself (work on this, while you have time), you should try to make friends with as many bad-asses as you can. Sometimes having friends who are bad-asses is better than being a bad-ass because the bad-asses will have low expectations for you and you can sometimes get by on living up to your bad-ass friends’ low expectations. I have my suspicions and some psychological research that suggests the amount of tolerance bad-asses will have for you will be directly and positively correlated to your level of attractiveness and perhaps your usefulness for other things.
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14. In a zombie outbreak survival event, which of the following should be your main priority?
a) Finding food.
b) Finding water.
c) Finding gold and jewels.
d) Finding shelter.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: During a zombie pandemonium you will find tons of people hoarding things they think are valuable. …Things like: cigarettes, booze, jewelry, Twinkies, TVs, Air Jordan basketball shoes, all sorts of useless things. People will actually fight and kill each other over these useless things. To survive a total pandemonium, you must have a source of clean water. If you think I’m wrong, I want you to get dressed in your Air Jordans, pack some cigarettes and booze and Twinkies, put on all your bling-bling, and pack a TV too, and then hike out to the deep woods and hang out for a while. If you don’t find a source of clean water quickly after hiking out, you will soon become a casualty and a permanent part of those woods especially in the hot, summer months. I would tell you to try this in a desert like the Joshua Tree National Park, but then I don’t really want anyone to die. You would die. I am a certified desert, jungle, and urban survivalist instructor (admittedly, I failed cold weather survival school due to injuries) and the first consideration of surviving in almost any climate is the availability of clean, drinkable water. You can live for less than three days without water in a hot, dry climate. Unfortunately water isn’t something that can be hoarded. More people will die in a total collapse of society from a lack of water than from almost anything else…except viruses and zombies of course.
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15. Which of the following people are extra vulnerable in a zombie apocalypse?
a) People with kids.
b) Healthy people who are current on their medical evals and who also get all their shots.
c) People who don’t wash their hands.
d) Assholes.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: In regards to a pandemic viral event, I said this before: “Prevention is the best cure. Get your flu shots (free in a lot of places), wash your hands often, stay the hell away from sick people, and watch out for kids. Kids are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petridishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows some—they don’t wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch everything. People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak.” In a zombie apocalypse, I don’t want to describe for you how bad things will be for kids. It’s going to be bad for children and people with children. Kids will be a major vulnerability. I’m currently working with the outbreak authorities from FEMA, the CDC, and the FNS (Food and Nutrition Service) on a critical zombie outbreak protocol where a large number of not-so-old-timer ZORT guys like me will join up to specifically go out into the apocalypse to rescue children and evacuate as many as we can and as often as we can back to a safe location off shore (I can’t tell you where – No, not Disney World Orlando!). Recognizing that children are this nation’s (and any nation’s) most valuable resource, this protocol is designed to protect and secure this resource. I can certify for you that there is no protocol to do likewise for rich people, Hollywood elites, industry elites, or sports superstars. There is, however, a similar protocol for academic elites, political elites, and our best and brightest scientists. For the children’s rescue protocol, do a Google search for “Operation Sandman AND CDC” and you may find the info to get your kids registered or other kids you know. Just be ready for a world where being a kid is not a good thing to be. Once the world goes to the dogs, you’ll also see a world-wide drop in birth rates and a drastic increase in infant and child mortality rates. It is estimated that in 1918 (Spanish Flu), the world-wide birth rate quickly dropped by at least 82%.
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16. Which of the following myths are not true about zombies?
a) Zombies like to eat brains.
b) Zombies, for some strange reason, will attack Black people more than other people.
c) Zombies are not real.
d) All the above myths are NOT true.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombies do not favor brains over other body parts. Zombies are not more likely to attack Black people or any other group people. Zombies are equal opportunity threats to all of us. However, I will share this again… Harvard researchers found that African Americans who are descendent of survivors of the slave passage, the journey African captives were forced to take by ship to get from Africa to the Americas where they were sold as slaves, are more resistant to the Z-virus than other people. This may be where the myth that zombies won’t attack Black people comes from. Of course zombies are real.
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17. A zombie horde is coming your way and you need to move. Which of the following is your best survival tactic in this situation?
a) Rig your shelter to remotely blow up if a zombie horde comes.
b) Use stealth, speed, and distance to fall back to your back-up shelter.
c) Cover yourself in feces and zombie guts and goop and pretend to be a zombie.
d) Utilize every weapon and all the ammo and explosives in your arsenal to repel them to hang on to what you got for as long as you can.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: You should always use speed, stealth, and distance to avoid contact with zombies. You should always have a way out of your shelter. It’s not a good enough shelter if it doesn’t allow you a way to safely get the Hell out of there in a mad dash. You need to always plan and have a back-up shelter to escape to. Never destroy your shelter; once the zombie horde moves on, you may be able to go back to it and get your things. C is the worst choice…this idiotic idea doesn’t work! Zombies detect non-zombies by the pheromones we give off and by our electro-magnetic field (Yes! Like sharks). This is the reason why even the best shelters eventually attract zombies. There is no way that I am aware of that you can reasonably mask yourself enough to fool a zombie. I am aware of one test subject at Texas A&M who was infected, recovered, and was thereafter not attractive to zombies. This seemed to suggest and support the basic theory of zombie motive, which is to infect and keep infecting. Zombies often may not be attracted to infected people. I’ll mention this test subject again later in subsequent articles. His case is very interesting. There are zombie suits, like spacesuits, that are in use at Harvard and Texas A&M by researchers, which can at times make the researchers in the suits invisible to most zombies, but you won’t be able to depend on technology like this for your own survival needs in a standard zombie apocalypse.
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18. A man approaches your compound and asks for sanctuary. You recognize him as Randall from the shoe store, a pothead with a bad attitude. What should you do?
a) Capture him and interrogate him for what he knows that could help you survive.
b) Shoot him.
c) Let him in; you can always make room for one more.
d) Give him some weapons and tell him he is on probation and will have to prove himself to remain a long-term member of your team.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: While I won’t say that b) is a bad choice, a) is just a better choice. Information is valuable in a zombie outbreak event. Then if you don’t like the results of the interrogation, you can choose another follow-up option. You owe no allegiance to anyone. If this degenerate can’t quickly demonstrate his value and ability to improve your chances of surviving, then you need to get rid of him. Sometimes these Occupy Wall Street losers have a come to Jesus moment in a crisis and they step up and become heroes. I wouldn’t bet on this potential. After ten minutes of interrogation I would know what to do next and I don’t plan on being nice at all in a zombie outbreak event. People I team with need to always pull their weight and make a positive contribution. Some people make a positive contribution when they join a team and some people make a positive contribution when they leave a team.
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19. You enter an abandoned town. Where do you expect to find the best place to take shelter?
a) The police station.
b) A movie theater.
c) A grocery store.
d) A church.
d) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Try the police station first. Try the movie theater next. Try the grocery store next. Try the church last. If you look around your town, take a look at the movie theater, the Costco, the Kroger, the police station. Make a mental note of how easy it would be to lock down these places/buildings to keep out zombies. Police stations are usually very defendable. In some cases you will not be the first to think of this, so you need to be aware of other good options.
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20. You are searching the town and avoiding the zombies in the town. You find several places where things you may need are located. What should you do?
a) Grab as much as you can and bring it back to your shelter so you will never have to leave your shelter again.
b) Mark where these things are located on a map, include the safest route to those locations, and begin making strategic plans for getting supplies when you need them.
c) Booby-trap each location to prevent others from taking your shit.
d) Quickly move to the next town because this is too good to be a good thing.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: A zombie apocalypse is not the time to become a hoarder. It’s much more strategic to mark the locations of various items and then to go get things as you need them. This is also the smartest plan in case any one location is compromised, it won’t mean the end of the world for you. Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. I like the idea of booby-trapping locations, but mostly to deal with zombies. You can use simple booby-traps to let you know if zombies are nearby or if someone else has been to the location, but it’s generally not a good idea to booby-trap a place against people unless it’s one of your main shelters.
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Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do on these questions? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival articles for those of you who need to try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival articles in the mean time.
I’ll pick-up the discussion of the next ten test questions in my next article.
