As the New Year approaches, many women are looking to reinvent their image or “brand” for 2013 by beginning with that key element that supersedes their presence- their pheromones. In attempting to generate alluring stenches that redefine how they want to be initially received, women often adopt the odors of those daring celebrity females (or dreamy boys) whose scents will mix with their own B.O. to create an exciting hybrid of smell. However, in delving into the perfumes of the rich and famous, women are also delving into the whole spectrum of these celebrities twisted lives. So, in addition to starting fresh by bathing in the positivity of Rhianna’s or Nicki Minaj’s fragrances, females are also setting off the smelly bat signal attracting all these artists’ least desirable facets/ circumstances as well. Thus, in attempting to create a new image for oneself, women are often trading out past baggage for new baggage via a puff on the wrist; because of this, I have posted a list of the most popular celebrity fragrances with brief warnings about the perils each will bring in the new year-beginning with New Year’s Eve.
Justin Bieber’s “Girlfriend”- This odor will begin to impact a woman’s life as soon as she enters her New Year’s Eve venue and walks up to the bar for her first drink. Just as she tells the bartender ” gimme a vodka cranberry”, her stench has been identified by a slew of underage, fake-id clad tween boys (and their girlfriends) screaming/texting towards her direction. All night, she tries to find solstice in her lover’s arms, a man who has been with her before she hit night-club puberty (i.e. 21) and blossomed into a drunken sex symbol; however the constant pointing and I-Phone paparazzo prove to be too much for him. So, by the end of the night, she is forced to hire one of the club’s bouncers as her personal protection for the rest of the night.
Rhianna’s “Rebelle” – So, a woman is silently sipping champagne and strawberries on the ride over to her NYE venue, when suddenly her date takes a swift whiff of her perfume and starts gnawing at her arm. She tries telling him to wait until they arrive at the event because there will be plenty of hors d’oeuvres for him to munch on; but instead of listening to her, he gets very irate and starts threatening to drop the ball on her head at midnight! Her friends kick him out of the car, but he makes an immediate public apology in the middle of the street for the whole world to hear, so shortly thereafter his somewhat scorned woman accepts him back with open arms.
Lady Gaga’s “Fame”- Ok, so anybody who knows me, knows I love Lady Gaga and would die to be associated with any part of her whether good or bad. However, there is a time and place for her new perfume and it is not a NYE meat market! Not only will men approach the wearer expecting her to be clad/hiding in her clutch various red meats- particularly a T-bone, but he will be aggressively drawn to that classic carnivorous/dominating scent of blood and semen. So, in a room of hungry sex wolves, a woman will not stand a chance of warding off those drawn to the odor of freshly butchered delicacies rotting on the hyde, or those wanting to override the body fluids of other men.
Nicki Minaj’s “Pink Friday”- Now, I hope any woman spritzing on a dollop of this scent knew to let her dress out in the bottom, because just like Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother plumped up a pumpkin into a full-spread carriage, likewise will happen to a woman’s ass upon wearing this odor! From her home to the venue, her buttocks will quadruple in size and she’ll wish she bought that Apple Bottom dress all her friends suggested. Plus, even when she makes attempts to take some attention away from her ham hocks by talking/showing her personality, she alienates herself by speaking in 5 different dialects/voices. So, now not only is her ass taking over her identity, but now people think she is crazy by having 5 identities/personalities!
Taylor Swift’s “Wonderstruck Enchanted”- Dab on this fragrance, and by the end of the night, the wearer will have: broken up with her man, wrote an empowering song that premiered when the ball dropped, found another man, wrote another song for the after-party; but in the middle this performance, her mic was taken away by a bartender stating “no offense, but I would have rather watched Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin ring in the New Year”.
Moral of the “scent”-ual New Year’s Eve story is: the grass isn’t always greener in another perfume bottle. Therefore, women should enact earnest/organic change from the inside-out so their pheromones attract the type of people they truly desire.