When others tell you to change for whatever reason, it is not you, but it is the other person who needs to change. The only reason why someone tells you to change is because they cannot control their negative emotions when they interact with you. Whenever people feel uncomfortable, they want to change the situation instantly to get out of the uncomfortable zone. In this case, people would rather tell you to change instead of themselves. So it is not for your benefits when people tell you to change, but it for their own.
According to Dr. Daniel Amen who developed a simple rule called “18/40/60.” He stated that “When you’re 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you; when you 40, you don’t give a darn what anybody thinks of you; when you’re 60, you realize nobody’s been thinking about you at all.” If you really think about it, why would other people worry about your life when they have their own life to worry about? Taking care of oneself is more than enough work and responsibilities already than to have enough time to think about others. In addition, if you are always worrying about what others think of you, then you would not have enough time to worry about yourself.
Another reason why we tend to think we should change ourselves when we hear negative comments from others is because of the painful feeling that we experience from it. As human beings, we have a very difficult time handling negative emotions. So we believe that in order for us not to experience the same pain again, we should change ourselves so we would not have to hear the same negative comments again.
However, when people tell you to change because of a certain quality of you that they do not like, it does not necessary means that quality is negative. It is only one person opinion of you, and it could be a positive quality to another person. In addition, in the article, “How to increase your self-confidence: Self-acceptance,” it mentioned that when someone tells you that you have a negative quality, it is because they already label another quality as positive. It is a natural habit of human beings that when you label something positive, something else has to be labeled negative. If people did not label something positive already, then they would not label other qualities negative. The positive cannot exist without the negative.
Most importantly, it is no anyone responsibility to tell you to change. Deep down your heart, if you truly believe that you need to change, then you would change yourself always without waiting for others to tell you. If it is the right time for you to change, your heart would tell you. In addition, if we are able to control our own emotions, then it does not matter what other people are saying or doing, we will never feel uncomfortable, which means we will never need to ask others or ourselves to change.
To help you control your negative emotions when people say your quality is negative, just take that same quality and turn it into a positive approach. Let’s take the example of a person who is talkative. If someone told you that being a talkative person is a negative thing, then what you want to do is to think of situations where being talkative is a positive thing. For example, being talkative means you are more comfortable being around other people and not afraid to share your opinions compared to another person who are shy. Sometimes, your high level of energy will help ease up the environment to help others who are shy to feel more comfortable in order to speak up and share.
So every time someone labels your qualities as negative, just rethink and see how those traits can become positive. Remember, it does not matter what people say, there is always a negative and positive sides to everything. As a result, you will never have to change yourself ever again because what others see as negative, you can turn them into positive.
“I will change when I wish or need to change, when the moment for change is ripe. Until then I will remain as I am.” Stacey Charter