When you become a couple and you marry, whether formally or not…..you find you do everything together. You are no longer alone and certainly not lonely. Then after years together with career, babies, and household responsibilities you find that your partner is emotionally absent and you are the loneliest you’ve ever felt.
In the beginning………
In the passion of a new relationship there is a partial merging of two identities. If partners do not understand what makes each other feel loved then they might as well speak another language. It’s important for people to make the kind of loving gesture that is most likely to be valued by their partner. Communication of that love language is pertinent to having a successful relationship.
The five love languages are described in the book written by author Gary Chapman. They are physical touch, words, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. The five languages are ways to show love and each type of gesture will communicate differently to every individual. If your language is acts of service and you clean the house for your partner but they’re complaining you didn’t make time to go to the movie then……. you’re not speaking the same love language. Observe what actions are appreciated and then convey interest and affection in that way.
Commitment in a relationship provides a covenant for two people to love each other in good times and bad. When an individual displays an “all about me” attitude it can build toxicity into the relationship. It prohibits the couple from developing a strong bond together and a sense of “we” instead of “me” mentality.
The “all about me” person either has a need to control everything or must be the center of attention. In a nurturing collaborative relationship the power structure is equal and open for negotiation. Healthy marriages can’t survive one person constantly demanding the spotlight. Intimacy requires “we” not just “me”. You can’t be intimate with someone who is always pushing you off stage. When this happens you feel alone and resentful in the relationship.
“All about me” marriages never have the intimacy and joy of a healthy relationship. Letting go of control and relinquishing center stage may feel painful at first……but it opens the door to become a couple again. Replacing old behaviors with thinking of your partner and communicate with their love language can help to rebuild the relationship. To love and be loved by another person is perhaps the single most satisfying experience between two people……never to feel lonely again.