In my last article the topic of commitment was addressed. The question raised was whether or not your man was committed or was fearful of it. I hope that your perception of what fear is, was also considered. The “Active Avoider” was used to describe a possible male point of view.
Let’s raise the question of; what if what you are looking for is already there? What if your perception is what is unhealthy? Is what you perceive to be lack of commitment unrealistic? This does not mean that you are wrong, let’s just take another point of view.
Despite the areas mentioned in the previous article a wife can create obstacles that are unrealistically possible to meet as well. Opposite to the active avoider is the “Passive Avoider”, usually female. This partner usually wants more. They do everything they can to bond themselves to their partner.
Passive avoiders develop anxiety because their partner is not giving the emotional security or providing the emotional connection needed. They may or may not be aware of the fact that they are always trying to get their spouse to do or say something that will be concrete, something they can hold onto to define the relationship.
Their partner frequently fails to fulfill their expectations which can possibly be unrealistic. This person might spend an unbelievable amount of time and energy trying to ease, push, whine or nag their partner into more of a commitment. And if you are an “Active Avoider” it is no wonder why this character defect scares you away.
The Passive Avoider typically has a history of connecting with partners that hurt and disappoint them, which could be by perception only. If single, Passive Avoiders are drawn to inappropriate or unavailable partners and are too quick to give their all. If in a relationship sometimes your desire to bond is so strong that you lose all sense of self and your boundaries.
Yes it is possible for a man to possess this characteristic as well. In tying this article to “Active Avoider”, if a woman assesses a man being fearful just because he doesn’t want what she wants, one can certainly see why he would not want to commit to a woman that has her own idea of his concerns should be.
But on the other hand, a man may be open and tell his partner what he needs or wants in order to commit. Wives, don’t be stubborn, listen to what he has to say. This is when a spouse, if married, can assess what his or her limits will be with the other. At times some of these issues can arise because one is just not feeling good enough.
Many people grow up without a lot of positive experiences from significant people in their lives. They may feel unimportant, struggle with self-esteem issues or worry that they are not good enough to hold on to any partner. To keep from being rejected, they steel themselves away from any long-term commitments.
There is a such thing as sabotaging your our relationships. Being afraid of intimacy and not feeling good enough are both factors in trust issues. Sometimes the trust is about the individual believing that his or her good efforts are just not good enough.
At other times, it is about the other person believing that they will not see them as good enough to hang around in their lives. Fear of rejection may cause a person to always look for someone who is perfect for them. Of course, no one is ever perfect and, consequently, they never stay with anyone long enough to really develop a relationship.
I think that what is important here is to know that treatment received by either one of these 2 characteristics may not have anything to do with you. Remember, all that happens to you may not have anything to do with you. These sorts of spouses may very well need help, not have a spouse turn against them.