What happens if you cut back on calories and exercise every day, the best you can, to find that your goal of achieving perfection is still not reached…what then? Is it time to give up, count your blessings and hope that you reach a ripe old age? When you look at a recent photograph, and cannot recognize the old man or woman in the picture that looks like your parents or grandparents, but you suddenly realize is you, and are shocked! Is it time to panic now? Transitions are complicated, I finally feel like I have power and control in my life, but lost my way. I am truly the jelly in the sandwich of life at present time.
My kids are adults doing impressive things at school and work with all the hopes and dreams ahead of them, but I do not want to be them. I just finished a writing class of mostly young and active 70 year olds writing about their past and present adventures, and I do not want to be in their shoes right now either.
My husband and I just came off a fun and much needed cruise in the Caribbean. We have taken a few cruises there over the years, but this one was different for me. I am in chaos, spiritually, trying to redefine my life after losing my mother this past winter. Holidays and family traditions will not be the same without either of my parents to share in the joy. My children and I will create new family memories, which I know they will share with their families, and that will have to be good enough for me.
My father shared with me stories of his experiences during World War II sometimes after dinner when I was a child. I was not even born to know about that time in his life, but it gave him a sense of release to tell the tales. To be able to talk about the horrors of war and what he experienced, with a non-threatening loved one, provided a safe haven. He tried to impart lessons of safety that he learned which I still remember to this day and share with my children.
Today, I realize that my father was going through a variation of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am proud to be the receiver of such sacred memories. My father passed away soon after I married, but before my kids were born, so they never met. I see his personality traits show up now and then in my kids, and I smile and know he is with me, through them. This is a big lesson to learn and not an easy one.
So the answer to my opening question, “Is it worth it to keep trying even though it seems that we fail” I guess, is yes, keep going! Not every day is a winner, but the alternative is worse, so keep plodding along and live to complain another day or just enjoy being in this beautiful world no matter what the numbers show.
As the saying goes “life is a work in progress”, but sometimes, life is just hard work.