If you like reading about the end of the world, then you are in luck, because the Mayan calendar has brought about two of the gravest questions in recent history.
Did the calendar predict the construction Earth’s Death Star, or the castration of Justin Beiber?
A recent petition on the White House’s website to build a Death Star has generated over 25,000 digital signatures, enough to trigger a mandatory Presidential Review. While issues such as secession and statehood may be something considered hot-button and urgent, the Death Star project is something which may be given serious consideration for a single reason: jobs.
“The overarching issue with building a Death Star orbiting Earth is a cost-benefit analysis. Specifically, who benefits from the use of the station? Is it a joint international effort at creating a defense platform, or is the United States going to build this thing on its own?” – A researcher said, while munching on Cheetos and playing several rounds of Halo.
Construction of the station would have to be completed in stages, with the reactor being designed first, and then the weapons array, superstructure and myriad other facilities, up to and including a branch of the Bank of Congress and a botox salon for Nancy Pelosi, among others. As for environmental and life support systems, researchers say the biggest issue to resolve remains the plumbing system. Since the orbital toilet still flushes sideways and without the aid of gravity, the project have been unofficially renamed the “Poop Star.”
While design and construction could generate millions of jobs, the estimated cost of the Death Star has already reached $15 septillion dollars, though several options have been floated to defray the expense. Suggestions include renting the facility out for parties, offering death ray marksmanship lessons, and turning it into an orbital stress relief spa. One very creative idea involved using the station as a high-altitude advertising billboard. Companies with round logos could use the medium to draw attention to their brands.
“Could you imagine seeing an ad that says ‘Enjoy Coke, brought to you by the Death Star.’” – The same researcher again, this time downing a few Hot Pockets.
Unfortunately, this issue has taken a back seat to the Justin Bieber murder/castration-for-hire plot. The pop sensation has been under increased security following reports that a trio led by killer Dana Martin were out to strangle the singer. In a more chilling twist, a bounty was even placed on Bieber’s testicles: $2,500. Mark Staake, one of the other conspirators, told authorities that bounty was put in to sweeten the pot. When Staake appeared jittery his nephew, Tanner Ruane, was willing to do the job, as documented in an authentic law enforcement report.
“In response to Mr Staake’s reluctance to follow through with the castrations, Mr Ruane stated he was going to do it and get ‘five large for each one I get’. Mr Martin confirmed that Mr Ruane was going to get $2,500 per testicle.”
Whether these two incidents are isolation or linked, the larger issue is whether they were foretold in the Mayan calendar, which ends on December 21, 2012. That’s right, the world is scheduled to end before the Super Bowl!
The Mayans were obviously not fans of American football.