As Anthony Robbins’ shares in Human Needs Psychology, everyone has one fear they share in common with the rest of the planet. This fear is literally born out of need.
Human babies are among the most helpless creatures on earth. Most infants in nature have a defense mechanism they are born with. Indeed, many prey species are able to run minutes after birth. Birds can fly within weeks of hatching. You can witness this at Cleveland’s Metroparks Zoo.
But human babies are helpless for many months.
During this time there is a special bond that happens between the baby and the parents, especially between mother and child as there is also a chemical bond due to oxytocin.
Think about it for a moment, when you were an infant everything you did was cute. You could burp, fart and make a mess and everyone laughed and poured love into you. Try doing that at fifty and see what happens.
But there was a time that everything you did was no longer cute, when you were told no or even worse, your actions went unnoticed. This usually happens around the sixth month, and it was perhaps the most frightening day of your life. As Robbins shares, this is when the need to perform took hold.
Perhaps the baby began to crawl and suddenly everyone gathered around and celebrated, and in that moment an achiever was born.
Or maybe the baby made a funny noise and everyone laughed and suddenly began to pay attention and a comedian was born.
It could have been the child began to fuss and throw things and suddenly everyone took notice, and now thirty years later you have someone who can’t understand why they always seem to manufacture problems in their relationships and fight with their loved ones.
There are countless ways people dealt with the transition when they realized that performance got results, and most of all attention and love.
Thus was born in everyone the number one fear, that we aren’t enough. (At the heart of this is the deeper second fear, we won’t be loved, at least not for who we are.)
So again, we develop ways to perform, believing that will give us love. This is often reinforced through childhood and into school where there are many social rules to being accepted.
But when this haunts us into adulthood, it can wreak havoc on a relationship. Now you understand everyone’s deepest fear, including your own, and including your spouse or spouse to be.
What is the solution? Live to meet your partner’s needs without asking for anything in return. When they know by experience your relationship is safe and doesn’t come with a price, you will see the passion reach unlimited heights. And they can do the same for you.
That day in infanthood was a challenging transition for all of us. But a wise man once said, “When I was a child I thought like a child. But when I became a man I put away childish things.”
It is time to own that you are enough; you don’t have to perform to receive love. It is already yours, own it, believe it, and give it freely.